Nothing is going to make sense for a long time

I've decided that I want to separate myself from the community of smart black kids or "black excellence" because it's a very problematic community. I feel like I know exactly how I feel about this but I will never be able to put it into words 100%.

I'm large and black...not classically pretty. I'm cute on my good days but never going to be the belle of the ball. I noticed this from a young age and this was one of my personal motivators to get good grades. I felt like I had to have something going for me since that ship already sank. Having good grades was a source of pride to me for a long time and looking back I'm realizing that I put the vast majority of my self confidence in the fact that I got good grades. This is obviously fine when everything is going well but obviously they're not anymore. I feel stupid for writing this because there are people whose family members are dying? There are people living with cancer and disease? There are people working 3 jobs to make ends meet? There are people who would have come to school and changed their situations for the better but they didn't get in and I'm here taking their space going crazy? Coming to that realization makes me feel like I should stop typing and just go do some homework but homework isn't just homework anymore. It's literally a five headed beast and most of the time there wouldn't be much of a difference if it was in another language. I'm literally so miserable and it doesn't make sense.

Think of going to class and seeing a girl in class every day but she looks kinda dead in her eyes and she also looks like she doesn't know what she's doing but she's been in your classes for years and you don't really know how...and you don't want to work with her if you can help it. That's been me for the past 3 years and I cannot wait to leave here. I feel like I should have gone to a HBCU because the support system that I previously thrived off of was pulled completely from under me and I think if I had one real friend in class I would be fine..but I'm trying to fight the five headed beast along with my own beasts alone and people are finding out about it.