Nothing is going to make sense for a long time

I've decided that I want to separate myself from the community of smart black kids or "black excellence" because it's a very problematic community. I feel like I know exactly how I feel about this but I will never be able to put it into words 100%.

I'm large and black...not classically pretty. I'm cute on my good days but never going to be the belle of the ball. I noticed this from a young age and this was one of my personal motivators to get good grades. I felt like I had to have something going for me since that ship already sank. Having good grades was a source of pride to me for a long time and looking back I'm realizing that I put the vast majority of my self confidence in the fact that I got good grades. This is obviously fine when everything is going well but obviously they're not anymore. I feel stupid for writing this because there are people whose family members are dying? There are people living with cancer and disease? There are people working 3 jobs to make ends meet? There are people who would have come to school and changed their situations for the better but they didn't get in and I'm here taking their space going crazy? Coming to that realization makes me feel like I should stop typing and just go do some homework but homework isn't just homework anymore. It's literally a five headed beast and most of the time there wouldn't be much of a difference if it was in another language. I'm literally so miserable and it doesn't make sense.

Think of going to class and seeing a girl in class every day but she looks kinda dead in her eyes and she also looks like she doesn't know what she's doing but she's been in your classes for years and you don't really know how...and you don't want to work with her if you can help it. That's been me for the past 3 years and I cannot wait to leave here. I feel like I should have gone to a HBCU because the support system that I previously thrived off of was pulled completely from under me and I think if I had one real friend in class I would be fine..but I'm trying to fight the five headed beast along with my own beasts alone and people are finding out about it.

There's a Problem (this doesn't make any sense)

When you're not good at verbalizing your feelings but you want to start a blog. I need to record all of this though because when I'm not under any influences or when I'm fine I can't completely explain anything...and I need to see a professional so essentially this is for someone to have footprints. I have reservations though because the only time I think clearly about this is laying down in my room in darkness and having the computer on has already throwing it off. I sound crazy. I feel crazy.

I don't have a thick skin at all. I don't deal with anything on the surface that no one else has ever had to overcome but everything affects me to the furthest extent. I just had a phone call with my mom and I explained to her that I don't want to do something (that was suggested for me to do) and she basically said that I don't have a choice because of my situation (academic portfolio) and she doesn't understand where I went wrong (with school) and proceeded to tell me that I go out too much and I'm too concerned with having friends. I have like 5 real friends? I spend most of my time in my bed looking at the ceiling or sleeping? She's missing the point?

I feel like at this point I should have a clear picture of what my future is going to look like but I have essentially nothing because I've basically been floating for 3 years. I didn't just get crazy at all but it's also not getting better at all which is why I'm thinking I should go see a professional because this is not a way to live. In my floating I've basically wasted the years of my life that were supposed to be used to put me in a position to change my life for the better. Despite all of this I don't like when people talk to me like my life is over from this point because I don't have a thick skin and thinking that way isn't healthy for me.

People don't understand things that aren't in plain sight and I completely understand that but this is very dangerous for me in the position that I'm in. I don't look depressed....people assume that I'm just easygoing and lazy which I am to some extent but the extent isn't this far. I gave up a long time ago and I honestly cannot see myself ever returning to my former glory and that is a very disturbing thought because I don't know how a person can deteoriate this far when nothing traumatic has happened to them.